a theory

does it occur to anyone else that perhaps Avatar is King Arthur’s fault?

ho_ho_ho

The Assasination of Jesse James

IS SO LONG.

Star Trek, compact review

I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA I MISS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA.
Nostalgic one liners aside, that was a very silly film. Trying too hard to be Star Wars and Battlestar, but with Leonard Nimoy hissing through his dentures. Ew.
Marcus and Nicola will update something serious I’m sure. This was also posted on the Back to the Feature blog…don’t worry, I’m not stealing.

“it’s like watching a baby drown”

Compact Review: I hate myself for how much I enjoyed The Boat That Rocked. It was really inane, and the last twenty minutes were unnecessary. Neither Bill Nighy nor Rhys Iffans had enough to do or say. It probably doesn’t help that I hate Richard Curtis for all his heteronormative conservative chocolate box filmmaking and utter lack of meaning. 
Why go see it then? Why part with yet another £2.50 for a student offer? Well. Offers, for one. Then: Jack Davenport is sexy; Rhys Iffans is sexy; Chris O’Dowd is sexy; Philip Seymour Hoffman is possibly the coolest thing ever and therefore also sexy and the soundtrack was pretty damn good. So, yes. I’m buying into star franchise to enjoy the pretty people and the good music and I’d rather pay £2.50 for that than to look at Clive Owen trying to act like a spy. I do resent that the film finishes not only with Curtis’ usual disgusting hope and enthusiasm but that also as you’re leaving they sneak in some Bowie so that jaded as you may be by the ridiculousness of a million ships of different engines, sizes and means of propulsion arriving at one time (Southampton is a boaty place, so people complain when ships aren’t shown right), you’re still left with the feeling of cooooooooool.

On the other hand; realised some good things about Duplicity. Two people from The Wire AND Black Cylon (who had more lines than usual!) were in it. Win.

Duplicity.

Student film offers really are a bad idea. They lead you to thinking “Ohh for £3.50 I wouldn’t mind seeing Street Kings, or National Treasure 2“, and that’s how I ended up paying £2.60 (or rather owing a friend) to sit through Duplicity…as well as seeing both of the other two.

Duplicity seems to be going for some kind of Ocean’s Eleven cool; except where Ocean’s uses a range of effects that embellish the plot Duplicity has two. The opening credits take place over a slow motion fight between Tom Wilkinson and Paul Giamatti that just_keeps_going. The fight doesn’t really do anything except pad out the credits and try and make some kind of stylish impression. The other gimmick that the film uses is an almost constant picture to picture transition. The four screens that gradually synch and move on to the next scene don’t do anything; at best they could be representing the fragmented life of the spies blahblahblah. If this were an occasional thing, then it probably wouldn’t be quite so annoying but it seemed as though every three or four scenes this transition would come up.

Formal elements aside I’m going to keep complaining. My other issue with the film, besides the way it looked, the way it was written, the fact that I got shouted out for talking during the adverts was the way that it framed Julia Roberts. Really, what’s so wrong with aging? It seems as though she’s constantly being shot to hide the fact that she might occasionally eat, and have could possibly have stopped being in her 20s. Yes, it’s great that she’s an older actress in an industry dominated by twenty-somethings but why is there the need to put her in tiny skirts or skin tight wrap dresses that make her stand in weird ways and look uncomfortable. Whether is was her idea or the filmmakers’, the soft focus and darkness that surrounds her just emphasises that Julia Roberts is an older woman and I don’t see why she couldn’t have been shot maturely and flatteringly instead of forcing her into these unsuitable outfits and angles.

Overall it was quite a funny experience, if only because of how seriously the audience seemed to be taking it and the faces that the person next to me pulled in response to the kissing that was shot farrrrr too close up. Still, that £2.60 could have been better spent…on…cheese? nom

Zombie Strippers!

Zombie Strippers! Quantified

SO this was a film essentially about strippers, seeing as being a zombie was no hinderance to their great work. As they fell victim to the “chemo virus” they carried on stripping, rather than acting in typical zombie fashion, and while the cast is technically primarily women, it was more primarily boobies. Observe:

Cleavage Shots: 14

Nipples shown: 8 (including 2 pierced)

Zombie nipples shown: 6

Fannys: 2 (including one zombie fanny which was used to shoot snooker balls)

Zombie Lesbian Kisses: 1

You know, I was unaware that when women become zombies their primal urge is to strip and tear each others’ clothes off. Apparently women are willing to become zombies to gain male attention also. But men who become zombies just want to eat the women really. Cutting edge irony or an excuse for soft porn? That is the question.

Hannah

Ps. @Dan North, yes. There really is an ! in this title too.

RESULTS

So it turns out we don’t have Sky1 and therefore there can be no live feed of the Oscars. TINA results are in however. Check the post below to find out who we’ve bestowed these new yet prestigious awards on.

Oscars commentary tomorrow, as well as updates on Zombie Strippers and 4 Months, 3 Weeks, 2 Days, Benjamin Button.

Possibly also battlestar.

TINAS

And the nominations are:

Best Performance (gender neutral):

Kate Winslet, Revolutionary Road WIN

Angelina Jolie, Changeling

Jefferey Donovan, Changeling

Peter O’Toole, Dean Spanley

Best Male Director

Clint Eastwood, Changeling WIN

Ari Folman, Waltz with Bashir

Sam Mendes, Revolutionary Road

Best Female Director

Catherine Hardwick, Twilight

Phyllida Lloyd, Mama Mia

BECAUSE THESE WERE THE ONLY TWO FEMALE DIRECTED FILMS WE GOT TO SEE.

PLUS

Kathryn Bieglow, The Hurt Locker WIN

Prettiest Ensemble Cast

D.J Caruso, Eagle Eye WIN

Gabriele Muccino, Seven Pounds

Stephen Daldry, The Reader

Best Film (world-wide, animation and live action)

Ari Folman, Waltz with Bashir WIN

Sam Mendes, Revolutionary Road

Clint Eastwood, Changeling

Least Enlightened Film

Jay Lee, Zombie Strippers WIN

Phyllida Lloyd, Mama Mia

Frank Miller, The Spirit

Biggest Massive Sell-out/ Cash-in

Dave Filoni, Clone Wars

Peyton Reed, Yes Man WIN

Christopher Nolan, The Dark Knight

Guilty Pleasure Award

Kenny Ortega, High School Musical 3

Ben Stiller, Tropic Thunder

Jason Murphy, Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! WIN

NB: Additions are liable to made as we get round to watching things before the awards.

WIN

TINA nominations will be updated as soon as the BAFTAs finishes. In the mean time TERRY GILLIAM IS LOVE. end.